Leader or B*%@#

I did not update this as soon as I had been intending, but I think this material is still fresh...

I attended a conference this past month for Resident Hall Associations, called NACURH. It was conveniently located in neighboring Boulder, making our travel there quick and easy. The conference has a main goal of bringing together Residence Hall Members, people involved in RHA as well as Resident Assistants, relevant to me on both accounts. There are a multitude of programming sessions available, with many different topics. One that specifically caught my eye was entitled, Leader or B*$&#. The blurb about the program went on to say that its focus was the challenges of female leaders and how they are unique. My radar went up instantly. This was the program for me.

As I entered the already crowded classroom, I realized it was not only on my radar, but young female leaders sardined their way into seats. 5 minutes before the program was scheduled to start, seats were gone and the floor was beginning to fill up. Apparently, I was not the only woman leader on a college campus who had to face the B-Word. Already I was feeling inspired.

Once the crowd was settled, the presenter, a young lady from Ohio University, asked if any of us had ever been called a bitch. Hands flew unanimously across the room. She then asked for a few examples of difficulties that women face as leaders. The multiple stories complied into the following list of obstacles:
-Fear of being assertive: often caused by need for approval
-Strict gendering/ gender roles
-Outside fear of the affect of our periods/PMS
-Inappropriate Jokes
-To use or not to use Sex Appeal
-Criticized for emotional Investment

I wish everyone who entered any organization was given that list. In our world, college women are still faced with the heinous assumptions that our periods keep us from being good leaders, or that we are too emotional to be presidents of organizations. Many of the girls were actually told by other leaders or even organization advisors things like "You can't do that, you are a girl," and "You'e a different leader, you're a woman." These comments were negatively forced into these leaders laps and the truth is, often as women we all face these obstacles. Frankly, we don't know what to do with it. I often feel like I  ask: Is there anything we can do?

As a group, with the guidance of the program leader pulling some information from Fawn Germer's book, Mustang Sallies, we complied possible strategies and tips to help women be confident leaders who can fight the stereotypes and be proud of their work.

1) Need for Approval:
I know from my experience, I am constantly driven by the approval of others. Obviously not everyone young woman is like this, but society does tend to make it more a priority of young women to care about what others think. This is not always a bad thing. Often in group situations, a good leader seeks approval in order to compromise and make sure all members are on board. However, there are times when this approval is unnecessary. Why? Well, the discouragement of others can sometimes lead to self-doubt, and we are our worst critics. Internalizing the doubt of others hurts our own internal judgement. These self-inflicted digs hurt our confidence. Be sue in yourself and shrug off the hate from others. Haters gonna hate.

2) Be Goal Oriented:
We know that obstacles exist, whether you are a female or male, if you are in a leadership position. So expect them. They should not be a surprise when they arise. Be strong in the knowledge that you will be challenged, but stay focused on your goals. At times you may feel like the weight of the world is on you, and the best advice that I have been given for this is to simply thrive in the discomfort!

3) Be True to Yourself
Often we take advice from others, and this is usually well needed. But there is a fine line between taking advice and letting others mold us. Be true to who you are especially who you are as a leader. Often a way to balance this is to conscious of who you are leading and how tweaking your style can benefit everyone. Don't be afraid to be assertive or to take risks. Be willing to say, "I am a leader and I am powerful." Often women leaders feel difficulty in saying that they are in fact leaders. Tell yourself, tell others, tell the world: I AM A LEADER. It feels pretty good!

4) Fight Flaky (and other stereotypes)
Don't rely on stereotypes to define or excuse you. You are allowed to have bad days, don't always blame hormones. If you forget something, don't blame it on being flaky. You are allowed to be passionate about projects. It is not simply because you are a woman. I'm sure Obama is passionate about his campaign for reelection, it is simply about how he shows it. Revealing emotions is something to be mindful of. I say this from experience because I attempted to not show a lot of emotion which actually backfired because there was an expectation that I whole-heatedly invest myself in programs and projects. And lastly, don't rely on sex appeal to get what you want. Life isn't like the movies, using sex appeal only hurts your cause.
Also consider this when handling conflict. Conflict is expected in an organization, and can often be a good thing. It is all about emotional intelligence and picking your battles. Make sure that when entering a conflict the timing is appropriate and that you are setting aside everything else. If you have had a bad day, don't go into the conflict holding on to other intense feelings. It will ultimately hurt the situation and possibly the relationship. It is better to let it out and then let it go. Don't internalize the conflict. Remember that the other person may not have their emotions sorted out and could be bringing in outside feelings. This is why it is important to remember to pick your battles. For some things it is better to bite your tongue. Assess the situation, figure out if the argument is worth it, if it is put your feelings in check and proceed with caution.
Lastly: remember if you are pissing someone off, you are doing something right. You can't please everyone and often the best changes only come about after conflict.

So what about this "b-word" that women leaders have to face. It is just a word after all. There are a million better words that could be used. Any simpleton could call someone a bitch. Let it go, because someone who can't think of something better to say isn't worth your time.

Now go be a fearless woman leader.